The Most Feared Question a Child Asks

Mom: How was school?

Child: It was okay

Mom: That’s good honey. (Not even paying attention)

Child: Mommy where do babies come from?

Mom: (startled) Well honey, ummm…why don’t you ask your father

Child: I did and he told me to ask you

Mom: Well, shit. Oh sorry you didn’t hear that

Child: Yeah I did I was standing right here

Mom: Well okay, It is very complicated

Child: Well okay, can you explain it to me?

Mom: Well when a mommy and daddy love each other, they agree to have children and then….the doctor makes the baby. And eventually that’s where you were born.

Child: hmmm……

Mom: Is something wrong

Child: Oh, well that’s not what Billy told me.

Mom: Billy? Your friend from school?

Child: Yeah he said his dad stuck his peepee in his mom’s stomach and 10 months later he had a brother

Mom: Well, uhmmm. Ok..how do you know that wasn’t just a coincidence that his mom had a baby 10 months later?

Child: Because Billy said he heard his mom saying to his dad, “lets make a boy,” and then that’s when his dad got on top of his mom and started bouncing.

Mom: (gasp) well, they were just playing a game honey. Im sure

Child: Do you and dad every play that game?

Mom: ummm…well

Child: That game sounds fun. Me and Billy should try that game.

Mom: What! No. I mean that’s not a game for little boys to be playing. That’s only a game for grownups and for a man and woman.

Child: Oh I see. So Billy was lying about how he got his brother.

Mom: Well kind of…we will just talk about it later with your father. Okay? (aside) Oh Fuck me.

Child: That’s the game Billy’s parents played!

New scene

what

Are we going to do this or what?

Boy (cocky): Are we going to do this or what?

Girl (flirty/playing hard to get): But of course, what are we going to do?

Boy (cocky): Come on… you know.

Girl (flirty/playing hard to get): Don’t think so…

Boy: Everyone else knows...how could you not?

Girl: Friends haven’t filled me in lately.

Boy (cocky): Give me a chance you won’t regret it.

Girl (flirty): How so?

Boy (cocky): I don’t know...because none of the others in the past did.

Girl (flirty): Just how are you going to be better?

Boy (cocky): Keep trying until I get what I want… that’s how.

Girl (flirty/playing hard to get): Let me hear about what it is that you want.

Boy (frustrated): My god! I think you know!

Girl (playing dumb): Not really, please elaborate.

Boy (frustrated): Ok, fine then… this is obviously going nowhere.

Girl (playing dumb): Please explain, I keep asking and you don’t do it.

Boy: Quiet someone’s coming!

Girl (nervously looks towards door): Really?!

Boy (sarcastically): Sorry false alarm…but yah I should get going… I guess we are going to have to do this some other time.

Girl: Tomorrow could work

Boy (sarcastically): Umm yeah…we’ll see.

Girl (upset): Very well…I see how it is

Boy (frustrated): What!? Why the attitude?

Girl (flustered): Xtremely frustrated with how this whole thing turned out.

Boy (sarcastically): Yeah I’m sure you are...anyways I should get going, we should do this again, see you around. (Boy leaves)

Girl: (aside/upset) Zero chance …can’t believe I was so stupid to like him.

At the BBQ

Characters (2 males)

Setting( In an apartment, on the couch having a conversation)

Character 1. (Act very cocky and arrogant)

Character 2. (Sound amazed and interested)

  1. Dude! Guess what I just did?

  2. What?

  3. (Pretend to whisper something into other characters ear)

  4. Whoa dude no way seriously!

  5. Yup

  6. Like did it did it

  7. Yup

  8. Dude, so how was it?

  9. It was so awesome

  10. Really! So what was it like?

  11. You know that feeling you get when you do something that gives you satisfaction.

  12. Yup.

  13. It was like that

  14. Man you are lucky, I’m so jealous.

  15. Yup, I still can’t believe it did it.

  16. Were you nervous?

  17. A little at first, but after a few minutes I started to relax.

  18. Did you stay safe?

  19. Of course I did, I’m not stupid.

  20. Good, cause if you didn’t, some bad things could have happened.

  21. Yup

  22. Did you make sure to pull out slowly?

  23. Yup, you could have an accident it you pull out too fast.

  24. So then what did you do?

  25. Well after a while I started to get bored and didn’t feel like doing it anymore. So I put it in her spot and then got out and went in through the back door right before she came.

  26. Dude you are good.

  27. Yeah I know.

  28. Hey, next time you decide to sneak out your apartment to steal your girlfriend’s car and take it for a joy ride while she is away, let me know so I can go with you.

  29. Yeah, sure thing dude.

The Condom

26 line play

Characters:

1 - Mikey

2 - Johnny

3 - Ian

4 - Karen

(A BBQ at Mikey’s house. Mikey approaches Johnny and Ian who where waiting patiently near the grill for the chicken to be cooked.)

1 Hey, Guys! Do any of you have a condom I can use?!

2/3 Nope!

1 Well, can you go to the store and buy me some?

2 What? Right now? The chickens almost done!

1 Come on guys!

2 I can’t believe you’re gonna have sex in the middle of your own party?

1 Yes! A man has needs you know.

3 Didn’t you just meet Karen like 10 minutes ago?

1 Dude! I love Lisa!

2 Her names Karen!

1 Whatever man! Here’s 5 bucks. Go NOW!

2 Damn it Mikey!

Hey Frank

Frank: Hey man how’s it going?

Rob: Oh hey Frank, I’m alright your self?

Frank: I’m great man, its good to see you!

Rob: ya you to frank.

Frank: Shit man what’s it been six years?

Rob: That long?

Frank: Ya man remember Mr.Dallson’s class? Man we didn’t do shit in that class!

Rob: Ya, good times.

Frank: Man I remember we used to get away with the craziest shit. Hell one time I even started a little bon fire in the back of the room!

Rob: Ya we used to do some stupid stuff back than. what ever happen to Mr. Dallson?

Frank: Oh man you didn’t hear? They found him with his brains splattered against the wall in the boys bathroom.

Rob: What?

Frank: Ya man it was all over the news and everything.

Rob: Oh man..

Frank: Ya I guess his wife left him or something. It was either that or he lost his job; either way same end result.

Rob: Ya.. I guess so

Frank: So what are you doing back in this piece of shit town?

Rob: Oh my brother is actually getting married in a few days.

Frank: No shit?

Rob: Ya I guess he decided to finally settle down.

Frank: Oh man what is he like twenty three?

Rob: Twenty two.

Frank: Shit when I was twenty two I wasn’t even thinking about getting married.

Rob: Yep

Frank: So is the girl hot or what?

Rob: She’s alright I guess. I think she’s a little bit older than him.

Frank: Oh ya? A cougar eh?

Rob: Naw she’s not that hot.

Frank: Ha ha ha good one. So how about you, you have some old lady lined up to chain you down?

Rob: Well I was seeing a girl awhile back, but it didn’t work out.

Frank: Oh ya why not?

Rob: Oh nothing much, I guess she felt it was ok to swap bodily fluids with the neighbor when I was at work.

Frank: No shit? How did you find out?

Rob: I actually came home early to surprise her with some Chinese food and a movie; but apparently I was a little late, because she already had a little Chinese in her.

Frank: Ah man! So what did you do to the guy?

Rob: I did what any civilized individual would do. I broke his fucking nose.

Frank: Oh shit! What about the girl?

Rob: What about the girl? Nothing. She moved in with him the next day; and there still my neighbors .

Frank: God damn your living the American dream!

Rob: Ya, you’re telling me. So what about you? How are the girls treating you?

Frank: The girls are treating me every damn day man! Ha ha ha

Rob: Well that’s good to hear. Well I have to get going frank; my brother is calling me, and I think he’s getting cold feet.

Frank: You mean he finally grew a brain?

Rob: Ha ha ya I guess so.

Frank: Well if he still goes threw with it let me know; because I throw the best damn bachelor parties in this town!

Rob: Alright ill let him know. It was good seeing you frank.

Frank: You to man.

(Meanwhile, Mikey is sitting next to Karen on his parent’s bed)

1 Damn Lisa! You are look hella fine!

4 Thanks and the names Karen! I told you like 15 times!

1 I’m sorry babe! I can’t remember everything! All that’s on my mind is your bangin body! You are one hot chick!

4 You are so lucky that I’m allowing you to have sex with me.

1 Why is that?

4 Because you are such a beefcake and for some strange reason, I’m attracted to guys like you. I just can’t help myself!

1 Come on babe! Let’s forget the condom. I want you right now!

4 No!!! We have to use protection! I’m not that stupid to have unprotected sex with a stranger!

1 Damn! What’s taking those guys so long? The 7 eleven is just around the corner from my house.

(Johnny and Ian went to the 7 Eleven that was right around the corner from Mikey’s house. As they walked in they saw a special for hotdogs. They only had the 5 dollars that Mikey gave them to buy the condom and the special was 5 dollars for 10 hotdogs. They were really hungry so they came up with a plan.)

2 Hey, Ian! Got any change on you?

3 No…Ohhhh wait! I found a quarter in my pocket.

2 Dude! That’s awesome! Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. You will go to the men’s bathroom and buy a condom from the quarter machine. Then we’ll use the money that Mikey gave us for the hotdogs.

3 That sounds like a brilliant idea Jonnny! I’m so hungry! I can eat a cow!

Here Comes Trouble

There are four characters in this play. Three are friends and one is the security guard (towards the end of the play. The three friends snuck inside a zoo after hours.

1 - Aye! Look over there

2 - Be quiet before someone hear us

3 - Can we get in trouble for this?

2 - Don’t do that (in a whisper)

3 - Every time…

1 - Fine

2 - Go outside

1 - Hi

3 - I be around you guys something happens

2 - Just shut up (character two talking to character three)

2 - Keep walking (character two talking to character one)

1 - Let me see

3 - Man... These animals smell!

2 - No!!!

1 - Ooops…

3 - Please…God let me get out of here alive

2 - Quick…

2 - Run!

4 - Stop right there!

2 - Take this

1 - Use this?

3 - Very smart

2 - Will you be quiet and run?

3 – “X” me out the next time you two plan a trip like this

1 - Yes! We made it to the car

Zoom!!! (All three drive off in the car)

Boy (cocky): Are we going to do this or what?

Girl (flirty/playing hard to get): But of course, what are we going to do?

Boy (cocky): Come on… you know.

Girl (flirty/playing hard to get): Don’t think so…

Boy: Everyone else knows...how could you not?

Girl: Friends haven’t filled me in lately.

Boy (cocky): Give me a chance you won’t regret it.

Girl (flirty): How so?

Boy (cocky): I don’t know...because none of the others in the past did.

Girl (flirty): Just how are you going to be better?

Boy (cocky): Keep trying until I get what I want… that’s how.

Girl (flirty/playing hard to get): Let me hear about what it is that you want.

Boy (frustrated): My god! I think you know!

Girl (playing dumb): Not really, please elaborate.

Boy (frustrated): Ok, fine then… this is obviously going nowhere.

Girl (playing dumb): Please explain, I keep asking and you don’t do it.

Boy: Quiet someone’s coming!

Girl (nervously looks towards door): Really?!

Boy (sarcastically): Sorry false alarm…but yah I should get going… I guess we are going to have to do this some other time.

Girl: Tomorrow could work

Boy (sarcastically): Umm yeah…we’ll see.

Girl (upset): Very well…I see how it is

Boy (frustrated): What!? Why the attitude?

Girl (flustered): Xtremely frustrated with how this whole thing turned out.

Boy (sarcastically): Yeah I’m sure you are...anyways I should get going, we should do this again, see you around. (Boy leaves)

Girl: (aside/upset) Zero chance …can’t believe I was so stupid to like him.

(When Johnny and Ian got back to the BBQ, they handed the condom to Mikey)

1 Well, it’s about damn time! What took so long?

2 Ummm… we had to make sure we bought you the best condom. There were so many to choose from.

3 Yeah, what Johnny said?

1 Do you smell that?

2 Smell what?

1 It’s smells like hotdogs!

2 What?!

3 Dude…we are at a BBQ!

1 Hahaha…Yeah! Now get out of my way! I don’t want to keep Lisa waiting any longer.

2 You mean Karen.

1 Yeeeeah….Karen! That’s what I said.

2 Whatever man! Go do your thang!

F*** My Life

Person 1: Do you know why you are here!?

Person 2: ughh…

Person 1: Shut up. (pause) where were you on the night of March 7th, 1969!?

Person 2: ummm I wasn’t born yet

Person 1: ohhh wise guy huh

Person 2: Sir if you please let me explain…

Person 1: One more thing out of your mouth and ill shoot you!!!

Person 2: ….(looking around and sitting quietly)

Person 1: Not talking huh, what’s wrong Harry cat got you tongue?!

Person 2: Who is Harry? My name is Dan

Person 1: Sure and I’m James Gilbreath

Person 2: ummm alright, but sir I’m just…(gets cut off)

Person 1: Shut up you cock sucking son of a bitch

Person 2: (quietly says under his breath) Fuck My Life

Person 1: So tell me smart guy who shot 2pac?!

Person 2: I don’t know, no one knows

Person 1: Ohhh no, I think you know that I know that you know who killed 2pac

Person 2: What the fuck did you just say?

Person 1: I have no idea

Person 2: Sir why am I here?!

Person 1: You know why you’re here, you’re under interrogation for murder of Heath Ledger.

Person 2: What the fuck are you talking about!? He died of overdose. And besides I only came to this station to pick up some stolen equipment of mine.

Person 1: Oh why didn’t you…(gets off)

Person 2: I just…

Person 1: You stupid curly headed fuck! You should not even call yourself a cop!

Person 1: A cop?

Person 3: (enters) Hey Dan…Who the hell are you? You’re not a cop.

Person 2: I can explain

(A couple weeks later at Mikey’s house for another BBQ.)

2 So, Mikey! How did it go with Karen?

1 Who?

2 Karen? The girl you had sex with and begged Ian and I to buy you that stupid condom. I mean…I mean strong and very expensive condom!

1 Ohhh… that Karen. I haven’t seen her since the first BBQ I threw.

2 Wait! Isn’t that her?

1 Where?

2 There and she’s walking straight over to us.

4 Hi Johnny.

2 Hey Karen.

4 Johnny, can I get a few minutes alone with Mikey?

2 Sure!

4 Thanks…. Hi Mikey.

1 Hey Lisa.

4 It’s Karen! Man, you’re such a jerk!

1 What do you want to talk about?

4 Well, I’m late.

1 For what?.......Work?

4 I’m late for my period! Gosh! I can’t believe I had sex with you!

1 What are you trying to say?

4 That I might be pregnant and you might be a father!

1 Oh Shit!

The Room

Scene One, Act One

In a dark, cold, grey painted room, Lilly sits near her window in her old rocking chair.

Lilly: (To the audience) sometimes I wonder why I am here; I wonder what my purpose in life is. Its days like these I never want to get out of bed. O, how I hate this weather, makes me think of him every time I hear those soft, aqua drops fall upon the ground. It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than two years and his presence is felt. The children’s laughter no longer echoes through the walls, time does truly passes by. Today is Wednesday I must got to the store…… I wish didn’t have to leave the house. (Tears begin to roll down her face) The outside world has changed so much since I’ve last seen it.

Doorbell rings, Lilly does not respond. The door opens and enters Sophia.

Sophia: Lilly, you have been sitting here for months now. When are you going to get out of the house for Christ sake?

Lilly: (To audience) Sophie has always been worried about me since we were little; she’s practically the same age as I and she tries so hard to act like my mother.

Sophia: Lilly did you hear what I said? (Sounding irritated)

Lilly: Yes Sophia I heard you. I just don’t feel up to doing much these days.

Sophia: I know, ever since he’s………. (Sympathetically)

Lilly gives Sophia a stern look, Sophia becomes quite.

Lilly: Look I need you to do me a favor…. Could you go to the store for me and pick up some items. (Lilly hands her the list)

Sophia: No need. I’ve already gotten the items on your list. I must admit sister, there were some weird items on that list…….you don’t even have rats.

Lilly: well……. that’s because you are not here at night, those little bastards keep me up all night.

Sophia: Well I’m going to go downstairs and put these things away, in the mean time for the sake of me and this house take a shower it’s starting to smell.

Lilly: No! It’s ok. I’ll do it. Go home Sophia. (Nervously)

Sophia: It’s no trouble Lilly I can do it.

Lilly: Please Sophia just go, I can do myself! (Agitated)

Sophia: You’re a stubborn ass; always been that way since we were young……. Fine, you can put them away you self then.

Lilly doesn’t respond.

Lilly: Sophia?

Sophia: Yes Lillian. (upset)

Lilly: I know I can be a bit difficulty at times, but I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me. (Softly Spoken)

Sophia: No problem Lilly you know I would do anything for you. Lilly I have been very worried about you lately and it’s not healthy for you to be in this house by yourself in your condition. Why don’t you stay with me and Frank?

Lilly: (To audience) her offer was very tempting, but my body, my soul, my heart was just tried of living and wanted to be alone and rest.

Lilly: That’s very sweet of you dear, but this is my home. (Superficial smile)

Sophia: Ok my love. Well I have to go pick up the kids I’ll come back and check on you after I get the kids. Sophia hugs Lilly.

Lilly: Ok.

As Sophia walks to the door Sophia hears Lilly murmur something.

Lilly: Goodbye Sophia. (Fainted)

Exits Sophia.

Lilly grabs the grocery bags and walks to the kitchen, places the bag on the counter top and begins to take the items out. She takes out some candles, red roses, wine, and an odd looking brown bottle. She goes to the cabinet and finds to wine glasses, she takes all the items back to her room. When she enters her room she looks in the mirror puts on some make up, fixes her hair and puts on a red dress. She finally returns to her rocking chair and lights the candles and opens the bottle of wine.

Lilly: This is for u my love. Raises the glass and takes a sip.

Sophia enters with the children and notices an odd smell.

Sophia: Lilly! Lilly! Lilly? She enters Lilly’s room and finds the source of the smell.

Lilly is sitting in her rocking chair faced towards the window. Sophia walks up to her and sees the lighted candles, the two glasses of wine, a picture, and then finally an odd brown bottle placed on top of a piece of paper. She picks up the bottle, it reads rat poison. Sophia picks up the letter and reads it. It’s a poem written by Emily Dickenson.

Lilly: I heard a Fly buzz— when I died –

        The Stillness in the Room           

        Was like the Stillness in the air— 

        Between the Heaves of Storm – 



        The Eyes around – had wrung the dry – 

        And Breaths were gathering firm 

        For the last Onset – when the King 

        Be witnessed – in the Room – 



        I willed my keepsakes – Signed away 

        What portion of me be 

        Assignable – and then it was  

        There interposed a Fly – 



        With Blue – uncertain stumbling Buzz— 

        Between the light – and me – 

        And then the windows failed – and then  

        I could not see to see --  

Tears begin to roll down Sophia’s face as she places the letter close to her chess.

Best Friends Forever

Chloe and Allie are standing on one side of the room. Karen is on the other side and is quickly moving towards the other two girls. Chloe and Allie see Karen moving towards them and they quickly turn away from her and start walking away. Karen chases after them.

Karen: Hey! Hey!

Allie: Oh no, she’s following us.

Chloe: Tell her to buzz off.

Chloe and Allie stop walking and Karen stops running.

Karen: Hey guys! You left me in the library again, you little forgetters.

Chloe: (under her breath) We wish we could forget you.

Allie: (not looking at Karen) Yeah, sorry about that.

Karen: Don’t worry buddy. It’s all water under the bridge.

Chloe: (under her breath) I wish you were under a bridge.

Allie: Anyway, we really have to go now because…my grandma is… (pauses) ...on…..fire. Come on, Chloe.

Karen: Really? Well it’s a good thing you have me as a friend. I know all about how to treat third degree burns.

Chloe: (under her breath) Yeah from fires she probably caused.

Karen: No time to lose. Gotta go save grandma. (She grabs Allie by the wrists and hurries forward.)

Allie: No! You can’t come with us! … She’s…. she’s allergic….to….your sweater. Yeah, my grandma is allergic to wool sweaters. Sorry.

Chloe: (under her breath) In your case, she’s allergic to freaks too.

Karen: Oh that’s ok. I’ll just stop by my house on the way there and change.

Allie: But my grandma lives on the opposite side of town.

Chloe: (under her breath) Too bad you don’t.

Karen: We should really go help your poor grandma. Fire burns quickly.

Chloe: (angrily) For god sakes, her grandma is not really on fire! She made it up!

Karen: (giggles) I know that, silly. I just thought we were playing a game. You know, see who can lie the longest…I’m starting to get the idea that you guys don’t want me to hang out with you.

Chloe: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

(Allie nudges Chloe in the side and gives her a stern look)

Allie: She doesn’t mean that it’s just…

Karen: (smiles) Aww, I’m just messing with you.

Allie: Well, we have to go…have a lot of homework to do.

Karen: What kind of homework?

Allie: Oh you know, Spanish, English and stuff

Karen: Oh my god, I am like totally fluent in like all of those languages!

Chloe: That’s funny, I thought you were fluent in stupid.

Karen: (laughing) You are so funny Chloe! Stupid isn’t a language!

Allie: You know what, I think I’ll be ok. I don’t wanna be a bother.

Karen: Oh, it’s no trouble at all. Don’t worry, I’ll always be here for you. You know why?

Chloe: (under her breath) Because you’re like a bug that won’t die.

Karen: Because...(wraps her arms around Allie) we are best friends forever!

Cookie?

  1. Hi, How u doing?

  2. Okay

  3. That’s Good, everything okay today?

  4. Yes

  5. U buy cookie? Special offer

  6. No thank you, am on a diet

  7. Don’t look like you on diet. Not trying?

  8. Excuse me! What did you say?

  9. Am sorry I didn’t hear u

  10. Never mind

  11. Ruben, can get price check for super triple chocolate triple fudge devils chocolate cake. The 99.99 % fat free. Thinks they gonna get skinny, Ruben.

  12. NO cookie, you sure? Give u sample.

  13. NO THANKS

  14. Thank u Ruben, Okay. Oh diet soda. Oh! A lot of diet soda!

  15. You need to stop, want me to talk to your manager?

  16. Yeah, he on diet. He help u with tips. It’s not working for you.

  17. Where’s your manager now? NOW!

  18. He not here

  19. Whose in charge than?

  20. ME

  21. You SUCK!

  22. No lipoSUCTION

  23. Am never coming here again!

  24. You buy cookie?

  25. What the? No you stupid idiot!

  26. Fat Freeeeee

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